DALY SKINNY

 I read an article the other day detailing the lack of sexual material contributed by Mommy Bloggers. Middle aged married women across the land are apparently writing about everything but sex. The author noted that this genre of writers uses exacting detail to describe a multitude of domestic challenges. They rarely, however, discuss marital relations. What he fails to realize is, there is not much to relate.

The proponent is either childless, single, gay, or my husband. While most of us have various versions of sex (as otherwise procreation would be limited). The sexual diffidence of Mommy Bloggers begins with the inception of fertilized sperm and culminates in a permanent proclivity for recessed lightening. The true launch of this adaption, begins six weeks after the babies birth. That is the AMA’s standard recommended recuperative period (my ob/gyn reminded me that since my husband hadn’t read their manual, I could improvise. I know one woman’s whose husband believed recovery took 9 months). Mostly though, the combination of vicaden and a martini help to facilitate consummation. (La Leche followers rarely endorse the idea, as they consider drinking and breast feeding a prosecutable offense). The good news is it’s over quickly. The bad news, for most men, is that sex becomes less erotic and more practical. To begin with, there are time restraints and conflicting schedules. Moreover, after 3 pregnancies and various deliveries (some were just from pizza hut), no one really wants to see me naked.

Moreover, laundry loads, carpool, dirty dishes and toilet bowl scrubs as they relate to foreplay is mostly boring and highly embarrassing blogger material. Sex and the City’s franchise, Jolie/Pitt family pictorials, along with, Cosmo’s edicts an Dr. Laura’s tirades are intimidating. I am relatively certain Angelina doesn’t wear spanx or a support bra. And Dr. Laura pays someone else for the care and feeding of her husband.

However, in an effort to silence our proponents voice and advance the reputation of domestic bloggers everywhere, I have determined to note and record sexual content wherever I encounter it, (due to the risk of bodily injury as it relates to his age and competitive spirit, my husband will not be participating).

So far today, I have nothing to report. Given that school started this week and I have a friend in crisis living in an earlier time zone, my expectations for this week remain low.

Summer Vacation. As the name implies and history dictates, it is a seasonal 90 day academic deferment. Traditional folklore relates that historically this respite was originally intended as a means for children to help harvest familial crops. However, the invention of tractors and plows; along with the enactment of child labor laws significantly changed the agenda. Instead, children now enjoy their vacations at camp, the beach, watching television, and fighting with siblings.

I am not certain how the emergence of the industrial ages translated into altering the time line of our summer solstice. However, I assume that someone, with a nonrefundable timeshare, enacted the early dismissal. Unfortunately, they failed to factor in the return policy. School break now begins in May. Technically, it is still Spring. Vacation should either be dictated by the season’s calendar or the more traditional holiday schedule as it relates to Memorial and Labor Day. Americans have clearly been led a stray and the true meaning of this season has been desegregated. As a co-signer and co contributer on my husbands tax extension forms and a proponent of no child left behind, I am advocating for a return to a public school system rooted in conventional values and a standard schedule of events.

Previously I have mistakenly selected my kids school based on the teacher-student ratios, school sizes, religious study, and scholastic ranking; I am reconsidering the position. In a show of support, my kids have even volunteered to boycott the first weeks of school. While, I admire the righteousness of their protest, I am not certain its legal. I am, however, investigating the possibility of transferring to another educational establishment (or relocating to the Ozarks). This time, the selection will be predicated on the schools annual agenda rather then its academic records. As otherwise, Summer vacation is more a longer version of Spring Break.

I should feel lucky. My 3 daughters attend a school that requires uniforms. Hems lengths, sock style and shoe colors are outlined in exacting detail in their school’s handbook. Aside from the limited options surrounding dresses, skorts and shirts, students foot wear is coordinated. The wrong colored shoe soles or socks with the school’s monogram facing toward instead of away for the inner leg results in demerits and detention.

In the beginning, I I assumed regulated attire and the adherence to stringent fashion guidelines would expedite back to school shopping for 3 girls. We could avoid the traditional, but, appropriate dressing friction, eye rolling and exasperated sighs that are the foundation of most good mother/daughter relationships. Aside from family reunions and the occasional brunch or dinner reservation, this has proved to be true.

My bigger problem lies in procuring and agreeing on foot wear. The school specifies black shoes with black soles. To begin with, I didn’t anticipate the limited selection of non-Maryjane designed shoes in children’s sizes. Moreover, it’s equally impossible to locate black shoe whose look is enhanced by a white anklet. Often the effect is more Al Bundy then Coco Channel or Juicy Couture. I have resorted to black Adidas or Converses on previous occasions. This year, however, I am convinced that the perfect shoe is essential to a productive year. Thus I am devoting the next days to locating a paw covers that will accommodate the school by-laws, be an acceptable alternative to Christmas formal wear and scream cool. As third graders are regulated to one inch heels and my daughters have already broken various bones rip sticking, I am avoiding pumps and wedges. Ballet flats have limited arch support and espadrilles violate the black sole provision. Thus, I am currently in negotiations with Sperry. I am working to have them construct a black dress shoe for children. This will probably cost more then the years tuition and there is a distinct possibility my children will outgrow the shoes by Thanksgiving, the cost saving will be reflected in our liquor bill or therapist’s invoices.

Last night, my daughter proclaimed that we do not need to purchase her back to school supplies this year. She has spent the past 3 Summer months studying Doctor House’s Institute of Medical Technology Training Tapes and has applied to be a board certified physician. This is mandated by the countless hours dedicated to reviewing episodes and committing script details to memory. Her qualifications to diagnose and cure various diseases and/or epidemics are assured. Since she is currently enrolled in middle school, her working knowledge of the human anatomy is relatively limited. But given the lack of nudity on House, physicals appear to be overrated and self indulgent. More importantly, she doesn’t believe they are necessary to prescribe comprehensive treatment plans. This is great news for Nuns and the Amish.

While skeptics and television critics alike, underestimate Doctor House’s set advisors and the shows authenticity, my daughter studies each episodes details and idiosyncrasies. She often and repeatedly replays various reruns for accuracy.

Aside from concerns relating to the applications of actual college credits, our bigger problem lies in my daughter’s hypochondria.

She has assimilated a plethora of medical details and has adopted most of their symptoms. Since is difficult to simultaneously suffer from all medical afflictions, she also assigns various illnesses to friends, family, neighbors and the occasional sales clerk. So for this summer, she has had elephantiasis, pulmonary hypertension, lyme disease, scurvy, scoliosis, and narcolepsy. She has also determined that my singular migraine was rooted in an aneurysm, her sister would need to have a potential tape worm surgically removed, our dog has ADD and her grandfather suffered from hyper tension or Parkinson disease (she couldn’t remember the shows exact details – so he is still waiting for results to be confirmed by the family physician).

I am not certain if House and his Doctors are licensed medical administrators, are tied to any part of the medical community, or even know the name of our surgeon general. They should however consider procuring malpractice insurance. While, I am grateful my daughter missed the episodes detailing surgical procedures, I am somewhat worried that our dry cleaner is considering lap band surgery based on my her advise.

The friendly skies either need a new slogan or a different marketing strategy. They are not very hospitable or friendly these days. To begin with, all hostess understand that guests are more congenial and less impatient after a complimentary cocktail. A refreshing beverage insures that schedule changes and delays are easier to tolerate. Making passengers wait and pay for liquor or food is rude. Moreover, nervous or hungry passengers and pilots isn’t a congenial atmosphere. (I am also relatively certain asking visitors to pay for the telephone or television is often unfavorably construed).

Discriminating against various luggage styles also conflicts with the air industries aforementioned adage. As, Suitcase selections can reflect a person’s character (or their proximity to trade shows and sales seminars), judging them reflects an inherit and unwelcoming prejudice. Weight limits and restrictive size dimensions are offensive. Fear of rejection and insecurities relating to acceptance are often triggered during the initial packing stage of my journey. This generally results in the exclusion of non-essential under garments, PJ’s, and hair accessories.

Based on the price of a round trip ticket, luggage, air line food, and in flight movies, I am considering alternative strategies. As the cost to fly our bags is more then the amount of the actual ticket, I am thinking we should buy the luggage its own seat or secure a video camera on top and let it fly unaccompanied. We could save money and watch a home movie based on a personalized itinerary. I am also working on designing a flask that can breach security check points.

The friendly skies either need a new slogan or a different marketing strategy. They are not very hospitable or friendly these days. To begin with, all hostess understand that guests are more congenial and less impatient after a complimentary cocktail. A refreshing beverage insures that schedule changes and delays are easier to tolerate. Making passengers wait and pay for liquor or food is rude. Moreover, nervous or hungry passengers and pilots isn’t a congenial atmosphere. (I am also relatively certain asking visitors to pay for the telephone or television is often unfavorably construed).

Discriminating against various luggage styles also conflicts with the air industries aforementioned adage. As, Suitcase selections can reflect a person’s character (or their proximity to trade shows and sales seminars), judging them reflects an inherit and unwelcoming prejudice. Weight limits and restrictive size dimensions are offensive. Fear of rejection and insecurities relating to acceptance are often triggered during the initial packing stage of my journey. This generally results in the exclusion of non-essential under garments, PJ’s, and hair accessories.

Based on the price of a round trip ticket, luggage, air line food, and in flight movies, I am considering alternative strategies. As the cost to fly our bags is more then the amount of the actual ticket, I am thinking we should buy the luggage its own seat or secure a video camera on top and let it fly unaccompanied. We could save money and watch a home movie based on a personalized itinerary. I am also working on designing a flask that can breach security check points.